Rock-a-bye my baby in the tree top tall
Rock-a-bye my baby when the shadows fall
Rock-a-bye my baby and we'll have a ball
Did you know the moon is made of cheese?
Did you know that money grows on trees?
Did you know I picked a hundred Gs?
Close your eyes, close your eyes and away we'll fly
Rock-a-bye my baby in the early bright
Rock-a-bye my baby like a satellite
Rock-a-bye my baby till you're out of sight
Did you know the ocean's marmalade?
Did you know that TV stars get paid?
Did you know the Dodgers made that trade?
Now's the time to give your dreams a try
Rock-a-bye my baby Rock, rock, my baby
Let's start to count those sheep
Rock-a-bye my baby Rock, rock my baby
Won't you go to sleep?
Rock-a-bye my baby to the land of Nod
Rock-a-bye my baby where the cherubs trod
Rock-a-bye my baby Aren't cherubs odd?
Did you know my song is nearly through?
Did you know the sandman's overdue?
Did you know I'll soon be sleepy too?
Rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye, rock-a-bye Rock-a-bye, my baby, bye!
Carla?
Mr Hermann, that client of yours is an ill-tempered beast in the morning.
Only after she's had her coffee.
Coffee! She's guzzling brandy, and it's only 8:30.
Who starts drinking before 10:00 a. M? I'm taking that offer from live television.
Tallyho.
Aren't you ashamed, exiling poor Harry to live television?
- He made a remark I didn't like. - Like?
- Like I'm putting on weight. - Well, so you are. And this doesn't help.
- Now don't you start in. - All right. You start in, what's wrong?
Nothing.
I can't figure why you're on the jug.
You've got everything to make you happy.
You're box-office. You're beautiful. You're single.
Every married man in town is trying to date you.
Your next picture is an epic.
Do you realise that every actress in Hollywood
would give her Sunday uplifts to play The White Virgin of the Nile,
a controversial bestseller?
What troubles can you possibly have that warrant 90-proof drowning?
Now don't cry, honey.
You haven't even seen the screenplay of The White Virgin of the Nile.
I talked to four of the screenwriters,
one of them who'd actually read the book,
and he told me they've only changed the last 200 pages of the original story.
Now, honey, please. You're still untouched in the script.
You've never seen a man. You don't even know what a man is.
I'm gonna have a baby.
Goodbye, Whitey the Virgin. Goodbye, 10%.
Goodbye, Bel-Air mansion.
Goodbye, Diners Club membership.
Stop mumbling. You're my agent, what do we do?
Don't say we. Does anybody else know about this?
- Only you. - Only me?
Only me?
And since when have the birds and the bees
changed their modus operandi?
- My husband was killed. - You're married?
That's not very funny.
Well, when did you get married?
Of course, if it's all legal, you can still play the White Virgin.
It'll just be a tougher acting job, that's all.
That's right, because I don't have a marriage licence.
- What? - I don't remember where I was married.
It was somewhere in Mexico, that's all I know.
Mexico? You mean that publicity junket to Acapulco?
That's it. Then I met Carlos.
He was a handsome bullfighter.
It was one of those romantic, full-moon nights
like we have back home in Midvale.
Back home in Midvale, Indiana, they don't have bullfighters.
And no tequila. And that's what did it.
So, when Carlos suggested we get married,
it sounded like a good idea.
We drove to a little place. I don't remember getting there.
All I remember is waking up the next morning, back at Acapulco,
with a terrible hangover.
Think, honey, think. Try and remember where you went.
I'll fly down and make a Photostatic copy of the licence.
I can't remember, it's a blank!
All right, all right, so you woke up hung-over.
And we realised we'd made a mistake.
We decided to have the marriage annulled
after the bullfight that afternoon.
But Carlos never came back from the bullfight.
So I tore up our marriage licence and came home.
That'll be for me.
Tell them I'll be right there, for my last scene in pictures.
She'll be right there.
Good morning, sir. It's the chief.
Yes, Mr Rumpson?
A press conference announcing Carla as the White Virgin of the Nile?
Both Louella and Hedda will be there.
I'll come wearing my maternity dress.
I'm afraid Carla won't be able to make it.
You see, she's so thrilled about playing this great part
that as soon as she finishes retakes today,
she's going into seclusion.
How long ago was Acapulco?
Four months ago.
She'll be away five months, sir. Yes.
So as to get into the proper White Virgin mood.
Well, thank you, sir. Goodbye.
Now, you go away, let your hair go natural,
take the caps off your teeth, take the padding out
and no one will know you.
What happens five months from now, fast-thinking agent?
You have your baby in some out-of-the-way maternity home.
And what happens after my baby is born?
Well, you leave it somewhere and then, when the picture's finished, you adopt it.
Leave my baby somewhere?
I may not have been much of a wife, but I'm going to be a terrific mother.
I'm not leaving my baby with any strangers.
Oh, not strangers.
You leave it in Midvale with your father.
Papa's worse than a stranger.
He's had nothing to do with me since I left home.
There's your sister, Sandra. What about her?
She's coming out here for a visit.
I can't trust Sandy. She's too young.
And besides, she's always been jealous
because the boyfriend she liked was crazy about me.
Clayton.
- Clayton Poole. - Clayton Poole?
Clayton is the one person I can trust.
Oh, thanks. That's nice.
After I've been practically an obstetrician to you.
I trust you, Harold. Fasten me up.
But Clayton really cares about me.
Why, if it hadn't been for Clayton, I wouldn't have had the courage
to enter the Midvale Milk Festival where the studio discovered me.
Oh, yes, I remember. Miss Butterfat of 1955.
And he's always wanted to be a father. He'll take wonderful care of my baby.
Well, we'd better call this rustic up. What's his number?
We'd better call him up and tell him he's expecting.
Give him a chance to lay in a stock of cigars.
I can't call back there.
You don't understand what a small town is like,
and, believe me, Midvale is a small town.
There isn't much to Midvale
except a few stores and buildings around the old town square.
Clayton and I used to meet under the statue of the hero of Midvale.
I remember how Clayton always looked up and told me
how some day he was going to also become a hero.
What's his number? I'll call him right away.
If Clayton ever received a long-distance call,
Miss Menefee, the telephone operator, would blab it all over town.
So we'll send him a letter.
Clayton never receives any mail.
No, a letter to Clayton would cause talk.
Are you sure this noble character still lives in Midvale?
Clayton lives on Euclid Street in a remodelled carriage house,
and the last I heard from my kid sister, Sandy,
Clayton was working for Mr Wright, who owns the Midvale television store.
How's it now, Mrs Van Cleeve?
Just a moment, Clayton. We have a new TV, darlings.
Now, don't you be impatient, sweetie.
- Clayton! - Yeah, Mrs Van Cleeve?
It's still snowing all over Art Linkletter.
Keep watching. I designed this aerial for fringe areas, it should work.
Hi, Tiger! Hey, Tiger!
- Is that you, Sandy? - It sure is.
When'd you get back from Hollywood?
This morning. Are you glad to see me?
Sure, I am, but I can't see you now. I get dizzy if I look straight down.
But I won't be too long.
How's it now, Mrs Van Cleeve?
A little better, Clayton, but Arthur is still fuzzy.
Keep watching.
Hurry, Clayton. I have something for you.
Something Carla sent you.
Carla sent something for me?
Oh, Clayton, stop clowning.
Clayton, what are you doing up there?
Hey, Clayton, stop it.
Clayton, cut it out.
Clayton, Mr Newland's been hurt.
Clayton, a brick hit him.
Mr Newland. I'm sorry, Mr Newland.
I'm sorry, Mr... I'm sorry, Mr Newland. I'm sorry!
Mr Newland! Mr Newland! Mr Newland!
Oh, is he hurt? I'm awfully sorry, Mr Newland.
Is he bleeding? I hate blood. I can't stand that.
Help me up with him, Sandy. You'll be all right, Mr Newland.
You can have my Blue Cross and you can take my green stamps also.
Sandy, shut that off, Sandy.
Oh, Mr Newland, I'm awful sorry. Wait, Mr Newland. Just take it easy.
I can't do it, Clayton.
Here, hold Mr Newland. I'll get it. Hold Mr...
Got it?
I can't get it, either.
Wait, Clayton.
I'm sorry, Mrs Waters.
Clayton, you come back here and fix that aerial.
I'll be right there, Mrs Van Cleeve.
I'm sorry, Mrs Van Cleeve.
Clayton, you get up there right away and finish that aerial.
Sandy, turn off the hose.
Well, don't worry, Mrs Van Cleeve. You don't have to call the police.
No, I'll take care of everything. Yes.
I carry insurance on Clayton
and remember our motto,
"If there's anything wrong, we make it Wright."
Well, everything is all wrong now, Mr Wright.
Everything is, and everybody.
It's a mess!
My beautiful fish. My beautiful dog.
I never want to see that Clayton again.
I know you didn't wash me down the chimney on purpose,
but I just want to be alone. I wanna get clean.
Go home. Leave me alone to get clean. Alone. Home you go.
Go home!
Clayton?
Don't suicide. Clayton, I love you, darling.
Don't worry, I'll save you. I can't swim, we'll suicide together.
Sandy, Sandy, I'm sorry I got sore.
Sandy, can you hear me? Sandy!
Don't worry, Tiger! I'll save you.
Don't help me! Don't help!
I don't need help.
- Sandy, I don't need no help. - Now, don't fight me, Tiger.
- Here, Sandy. - Thanks, Clayton.
Put it on before you catch a cold.
- Clayton? - Yeah?
Say, you're not mad at me because I saved you, are you?
Nah.
Besides, I couldn't be mad around this place, anyhow.
It sure is a romantic spot, ain't it?
Yeah, Carla and I used to come here all the time.
- Carla and you. - Yeah.
We were just kids when I carved our initials in this tree.
Gee, we used to have an awful lot of fun here.
When we were kids, we didn't call this the Old Lake Road like it is now.
To us at that time, this was... Well, like a fairyland.
There's a summery breeze playing songs in the trees
Dum-de-dum-de-dum-de-dah
Nature has its own band And the music is grand
In the Land of La La La
Dipping peppermint creams into chocolate streams
There is no one who'll snitch to Ma
You can dip with each hand Eat until you expand
In the Land of La La La
All the clouds are cotton candy and handy to try
If you feel like having luncheon start munchin' the sky
It's a fabulous place Put a smile on your face
Close your peepers And there you are
If you're ready to start Hop a rainbow cart
Your heart will shout, hurrah!
Just give me your hand We're off to the Land
The Land of La La La
La, La, La, La, La
In the Land of La La La
Well, I guess it's just a crazy kid's song,
but when Carla and I were kids,
we used to come here and talk all the time
about one day getting married and having children.
But I guess I'll never have any.
Well, not the way you're going, you won't.
Come on, Sandy. You're a little girl yourself.
Yeah, but haven't you heard that one little girl in the bush
is worth two in Hollywood?
Hollywood! That reminds me.
You said Carla sent me something. What was it?
Carla, that's all you can think of!
Come on, Sandy, what is it?
Sandy?
It's a photograph. It's in the truck.
An autographed photograph? Did she sign it? Did she sign it herself?
Did you see her do it personally, or did her secretary do it?
I didn't see Carla, I was...
She was gone by the time I got to Hollywood.
You didn't see her? You were there all summer.
Well, I stayed in the house with that cook
in that terrible Beverly Hills smog,
because I wanted you to miss me
and even had my teeth capped by Carla's dentist.
And I come back and kiss you,
and you didn't even notice the difference.
But I did. I did notice the difference, Sandy. Honest.
I was wondering where that funny little whistle was
every time you talked. And really, I did miss you, Sandy.
- Did you really miss me, Tiger? - Well, sure.
You play softball better than anybody I know.
Some Tiger. I should have drowned him.
"To Clayton. I have been thinking a lot about you lately.
"Signed, Carla."
She's been thinking about me. Oh, boy.
I wonder why she's been thinking about me.
Is it a boy or a girl?
Well, right now they all look like Yul Brynner.
All? Well, what do you mean?
Could be a boy and a girl and one to spare.
Harold, not three. Triplets?
Beginner's luck, honey. First time out, a DeMille production.
Oh, how wonderful.
Oh, but poor Clayton.
Now, come on, Carla, come on. Don't kiss me in front of everybody.
All the photographers are watching.
Come on, Carla. Life goes to a party, but this is ridiculous.
Hello, darling.
Oh, it's you.
Well, you don't have to sound that disappointed.
After all, I'm a woman with the same blood in my veins as my sister.
What do you want?
Well, my television doesn't work, and I want you to come over and fix it.
At 1:30 in the morning?
Carla's first movie is coming on the Late-Late-Early-Late Show.
The Creature from the Lower Tar Pits? You're kidding?
Oh, boy. I saw that 16 times, remember?
Doc Simkins had to give me special massages.
I'll be right over. Wait a minute, what about your father?
Oh, don't worry about Papa. It's his night for Kalabriasz at the firehouse.
He won't be home for hours.
Okay. I'll be right over. Bye.
Kalabriasz. I'll be able to see her in a movie. Movies, movies. Oh, Carla.
Okay, Judge, that's two beans more you lose.
- Gigi Naples, he's lucky at cards. - Not so loud, Gigi.
You wanna wake up the hook-and-ladder boys?
You won't be so lucky when you get Clayton Poole for a son-in-law.
That's not funny. Take that back.
Now easy, Gigi. Can't you take a joke?
I take a joke, but that jerk is no joke.
He make my Carla full of big ideas to be a big movie star,
so she leaves her papa.
All right, now you leave the judge alone, Gigi.
It's common knowledge all over town
that your younger kid is crazy about Clayton.
- Sure. Everybody knows that. - Lf I ever see him with my kid,
I gave to him a nice butch from the neck up.
Put your cutlery away. This isn't the barber shop.
Deal the cards.
Your deal.
Is my cologne getting to you, Tiger?
No, but your father is. You should've heard him, Sandy.
I'm getting out of here.
I can't fix this thing anyway. Some of the tubes are missing.
Oh, no, Tiger. Kiss me quick, before my cologne evaporates.
Cut it out, Sandy. You're gonna swallow your caps.
- Papa! - The razor.
He's been on the juice. I'll get him to bed.
Yeah. He'll kill me. Do... I mean, don't let him come over.
He'll do something.
Hide, hide.
My bambina darling.
My little papa, stinking.
Yes, your papa stink because he hear you always see the meathead.
Don't be silly, Papa. Come on, I'll take you to bed.
Papa, come on.
I no go to bed. I go watch the television.
Get out... Hide.
The television is broken, Papa.
Come on, I'll take you to bed now. Time to hit the sack.
What's that?
That's a movie on TV, Papa.
How come the movie on TV? You say the TV is broke.
- I watch the television. - No, Papa. Come on to bed.
The television is broken, Papa.
Get up, meathead!
Get up? I no fall down.
I watch the television. No call me meathead.
The television is broken, Papa.
Television is no broke. Look.
Howdy out there, neighbours.
I know you can look in on television every day
and buy everything for your home.
And buy everything for your home.
That's awful. Keep going.
Hi, out there in television land
and welcome to Movie Matinee.
Our picture today is sponsored by Superbo cigarettes.
There they are.
The cigarette without tobacco or harmful nicotine and tars.
Just plain straight filter.
And yes, siree. You take these cigarettes and smoke them.
Superbo!
That's it, Superbo.
- You gotta try these. - Who's that?
Have another slug, Papa. I'll change the station.
All right.
Do something else. Do something else.
This is Uncle Raoul coming to you once again with Story Book Time,
and it's so good to see all my little nieces and nephews out there.
- Change the pitch. - I change the pitch.
All right.
Change the pitch.
Hi, out there. This is a paid political announcement,
and none of my views have any bearing on the station,
network, affiliates, sponsors or their friends or family.
But I'm talking for a man here today, Steve Wait.
Steve Wait's a good man. He's been my friend for years.
Now you look at me. I'll level with you.
You got to forgive and forget.
That little incident at the bank three years ago
with the $200,000 shortage?
Steve didn't mean no harm.
He likes to live a little, that's all.
And the girl downtown with the split neck?
He was helping her out with the zipper on the back of her dress
and it just caught.
He didn't know she was a bleeder.
Now you can put this boy in office, and take my word for it,
he'll do a job for this community
and for every home and every family,
and in every pot there's gonna be plenty.
Because Steve's a good boy. I grew up with him, buddy and pal.
I'm choking up a little bit now,
so do me that favour, will you, and vote for Steve?
Vote yes on Proposition No.
Make politics clean in a city that needs fine government. Jeez.
I'll get a clearer picture, Papa.
Figaro, Figaro
You're off-key. How's this one, Papa?
How you do?
Welcome once again to This is the Weather.
This is Ted Chikariko bringing you the weather report
on behalf of Ralph Yakanako Rickshaw.
We have not got too much time.
We'd like to tell you what's going on, hot and cold, all over country.
Like to start off with very, very quick map of United States of America
so we can tell you what's happening all over town.
Pretty good in here, about 63. It's not too hot, not too cold, it's pretty good.
Don't have to wear coat, but better wear suit.
Pretty chilly in the mid-section of country,
then very hot in the East.
Hot son of a gun, boy. You better watch out.
It's gonna be awful hot tonight. Hot in February
so don't wear too much stuff.
Over here's the water.
It's pretty chilly with the water, winter time.
It's cold. Downstairs in Florida, it's always hot.
Don't go near, it's too hot.
Upstairs is kind of different country,
you don't have to go there anyhow, 'cause it's different kind of weather.
Out here, you see, already we get to Atlantic.
Atlantic Ocean's where the water, all this water here, see.
This water's gonna be... This water here contain all hot and cold stuff
coming down through the region, see, region with...
'Cause we need water to get hot and cold, chilly.
Hot and cold, chilly weather.
We're a little late, folks. Good night.
- I think I go to bed. - That's a real good idea, Papa.
Nice little Papa, beddy-bye. Sleep well, Papa. Good night, Papa.
Good night.
I fooled him pretty good with the Japanese one and the politician...
Quiet.
I found those tubes. You put that TV set out of whack.
Forgive me, Tiger, but I just had to see you.
- What was a derby doing in your closet? - Oh, that's Papa's.
Oh, that's Papa's.
Papa! Leave Clayton alone!
You shut up, you jezebel!
Oh, Papa...
And you get out of the town, or I tell you what I'm gonna do.
Don't tell me about it. Just do it. I can't stand the sight of my own blood.
Oh, please, Papa Naples!
Papa, leave Clayton alone.
Run, Clayton! Run!
Goodbye, Sandy. I'll write to you from someplace.
Sandra, stop. You bite me.
I'm not biting you, Papa. You're sitting on my caps.
And now a word from one of our multiple alternating sponsors,
Old Chickory-Flavoured Brand Coffee.
Remember, it's the coffee flavour. No coffee, just flavour.
Drink it, right now.
C- H-l-C-K-O-R-Y
Why, why, why, why use any old brand of coffee?
- Get that Chickory flavour - Chickory flavour
Drink that Chickory coffee
I brought the keys, Miss Bessie.
Folks, about your cigarettes.
If you're coughing and paying big worrisome x-ray bills,
it's because you're smoking ordinary cigarettes.
Smoke the new milder Filter Tip Superbos,
now with a cork tip at one end and a filter tip at the other.
- Smoke, smoke Superbos - Superbos
The modern filter tip cigarette
Is your stomach dragging? Friends, remember Burperex.
One little Burperex tablet will keep your tum-tum
from going on the dum-dum.
Take Burperex
Don't let your tum-tum go on the dum-dum
I'm leaving now, Miss Bessie.
Burperex
Now back to our first-run silent movie of the evening,
starring John Bunny and Flora Finch,
brought to you by Old Chickory-Flavoured Coffee,
Superbo Filter Cork Ends and Burperex for the tum-tum.
Miss Bessie, I'm awfully sorry
that I interrupted you during the commercials.
You know I believe in loyalty to the sponsor.
That's what's wrong with the world today, not enough loyalty.
That's why you're leaving town, because you're loyal to your first love.
Well, I cleaned up the apartment, Miss Bessie,
and it's ready for the next tenant.
And I'll come by and pick up my things later.
You decided where you're going yet?
I don't know. I thought maybe I'd hitch a ride up the Old Lake Road
and maybe go to Chicago or somewhere.
If you're interested in what an old lady thinks...
Oh, watch it, Miss Bessie.
Well, you know I'm always interested in what you think.
Well, if you want to know what this old lady thinks,
she thinks it's about time you got out of Midvale.
Forget this Carla, find someone else.
Oh, Claytie, you've been like a son to me,
running to the market every time one of those TV fellas says,
"Go to the market and get some."
I'll never forget you, Claytie.
Goodbye, Miss Bessie.
Aren't they the most wonderful little things in the world, Harold?
They prove tequila doesn't hurt the birth rate.
I can't wait to get back to them.
Well, let's hope we catch that joker so you can leave them.
Are we anywhere near the Old River Road yet?
Miss Bessie must have told you the Old Lake Road.
Maybe. It was hard to understand that old doll with her TV blasting
and with her eating raviolis and chewing bubblegum at the same time.
- Does she always smoke cigars? - Only when they're sponsored.
Oh, don't drive so fast, Harold. I know where we'll find Clayton.
When you love in vain Love is a lonely thing
Like an endless chain You keep remembering
All the countless times You thought you caught her eye
How she passed you by
Almost unaware that you were there
But when she takes your hand
Then it's a lovely thing
Flowers dot the land And all at once it's spring
You hold her in your arms
And then she whispers low
I love you, love you
When you're dreaming
Love's a lonely thing
Hello, Clay.
Carla?
Yes, Clayton. It's me.
I can't believe it.
'Cause whenever I come here I see you all over the place,
but it's never really you.
It has been a long time. Let's sit.
There's something in my eye.
Quiet, you little schedule-breakers.
Your mother's busy lining up a six-months' baby-sitter.
You haven't forgotten me, Clay?
Forgotten you? No, I haven't forgotten you, Carla.
As far back as I can remember, you're all I ever think about.
I even remember the colour of the dress you wore that Easter Sunday
that you made me steal the money from the collection plate
to buy the ice cream cone with.
And when I got a little older and I gave the money back,
then I joined the Camp Fire Girls just so I could be near you.
Remember when my voice started to change
and they threw me out?
I remember. I was a terrible child.
No, you weren't, Carla. Really, you weren't.
It wasn't your fault that you didn't go for a guy like me,
that looked like me.
I even took a muscle-building course
so that you wouldn't laugh at me when we went swimming.
That didn't do very much good,
because I couldn't find my muscles to build them up.
That wasn't the main trouble, anyhow. The trouble was my face.
And I couldn't wait until hair would grow on it
so no one would have to see it.
I had that beard long before that Schweppes man, remember?
I remember it all.
And, well, I can't sleep just dreaming about you, Carla.
Matter of fact, I dream about you every night.
Same silly dream.
I'm Sir Galahad in shining armour,
and you're always in trouble and you need me.
How right you are.
And in the very same dream,
I always come up charging on the white horse
to save you from the terrible trouble.
So, how could you say I forgot you?
I was gonna leave town so that I could forget you.
Except, look,
I'm taking you with me so I can't forget you.
I'm not just crazy about you, Carla. I'm just plain crazy.
What's the matter, Carla? Did I say something wrong?
If I did, I'm awfully sorry.
No. Everything you said was beautiful, sweet.
Well, you see, Carla,
I haven't got anyone I can talk to about you.
You know, your father doesn't want your name mentioned,
and Sandy is jealous, and Miss Bessie...
Well, the whole town thinks I'm a fool because I keep thinking about you,
and I guess that's why I gushed the way I did just now.
I'm awfully sorry.
I wasn't even polite enough to ask you what you were doing here.
I came to ask a favour, but I've changed my mind.
You came to ask a favour? I mean, you came to ask me a favour?
I can't do it, Clay.
Why not, Carla? You can do anything you want to me.
Don't you remember when you were 15,
at your birthday, when you pushed me into the birthday cake
with all your lit candles and it burned the fuzz on my face?
And then I set fire to the barber shop?
And did I get mad, Carla,
when your father chased me around the square with the razor?
Carla, you're in trouble. I could always tell when you were in trouble.
Now, what's the matter?
Clay, please. Forget I was here.
But, Carla, you can trust me.
I mean, if you need me, you know I'll do anything you want.
I hoped all my life I could do something for you.
- Just give me a chance to prove it. - I can't, Clay.
But I'll do anything you say.
How can I ask you to be the father of my children?
It's simple. You just say, would you...
Did you really say, would you be the father of my...
Oh, Clayton! Oh, Clayton!
Harold! Harold!
He's drowning, Harold. Hurry.
Miss Bessie! Miss Bessie! Miss... Oh, I'm...
Miss Bessie! Miss Bessie!
The squirt spray and the curlers at the low introductory price...
Miss Bessie, did you rent the apartment yet?
I didn't think you'd get very far, Clayton.
- When you're loyal, you're loyal. - Thanks a lot, Miss Bessie.
And everything will be...
Yes, the old grey hair ain't what it used to be
- Don't delay, get Gookum Spray today - Gookum
I better get out of these clothes.
If I catch a cold, I'll give it to my son. I can't have that happen.
Let's see now. I keep the baby until they return from Egypt.
That's right. Poor Carla.
She has to leave her son with me.
Poor Carla's husband. He never even saw the baby.
He died the next morning, right after the honeymoon.
What a way to go.
What'll I wear? What'll I wear?
What a nervous wreck I am. I can't wait for my child.
You should have told him he was going to have a full house.
He thought it was only one. I didn't want to scare him out.
- Did you give him the money? - He wouldn't take it.
He said unless he did it all himself, it wouldn't be important.
Well, the boy has character. I remember I had it once.
The baby's here. He's here. Oh, boy.
The baby... Calm, calm. I must be calm.
I gotta make believe like I'm completely surprised,
in case anybody's watching.
Oh, my heavens. A baby's cry.
Why, that's impossible.
What would a baby be doing out at this hour? I shall look.
Oh, goodness, goodness. A child.
Alas and alack. What would a baby be doing here?
Well, certainly can't stay out in the night air.
Don't cry, baby. You'll get used to me.
How does a baby cry while he's asleep?
Twins.
Your mommy didn't tell me there were two of you.
Gee, I sure hope I can take care of the two of you.
No. Oh, no. Do you think it...
No, it can't be.
You guys aren't old enough to be going around knocking on doors. Nah.
Just someone.
Hello? Who? Knocking?
Hello?
Three.
One, two, three. One.
God bless you.
Triplets.
That's three of you and only one of me. But I'll try.
I'll really try.
Don't cry, honey. He'll take good care of them.
I told you, he's got character.
Oh, I know he will.
It's just that when you see someone who loves you so much, you...
I know. Sometimes one gets too busy to notice.
No, it isn't cats.
No, I can't tell you on the phone. Will you just come right over?
Oh, yeah, and Sandy, one other thing.
I'd appreciate it if you'd stop by the drugstore
and pick up some of those bottles
with those rubber faucets on the end, you know?
Okay. Goodbye.
Now, Sandy is on her way over with your breakfast,
but just to tide you over a little bit
till she gets here, I'll warm a little snack for you, okay?
Hold it, hold it.
Nice and clean, with sterilizing.
Oh, hot. What a heat. What a hot heat.
Gotta be clean. Gotta be a clean heat hot.
Relax. Relax, kids, relax. Here it is. Nice milk for the boys.
Hold it. We'll have it in a second.
This should work.
Well, you can't always do it without spilling a little.
Here's nice, nice milk for the boys.
Plenty of drinking so they get nice and strong and big.
Plenty of milk for the boys.
Now we have it nice. Hold it tight, and we have...
Here it comes. It's starting out. Get set, boys.
Sorry, fellas. Here it comes. All right.
Wait a minute. Here, we don't need this.
Here, watch it. On the head. Pretty good.
Here we go. Go ahead. Here, you want some? Take a little bit.
That's good. Okay. Go ahead. That's good.
Hello?
Naturally, it's none of my business, Mr Naples,
and heaven knows I'm not one to talk,
but your daughter Sandy received a phone call from Clayton Poole.
He hasn't left town at all. He's back on Euclid Street.
How old would you say they are, Sandy?
- About two months. - They're cute, aren't they?
Yeah.
What's the matter?
Well, now you'll never have to get married, will you?
- What? - Well, you always wanted children,
and now you got 'em, the easy way.
Yeah, well, it ain't gonna be so easy taking care of them.
Would you remind me to call Doc Simkins for their distemper shots?
- What's so funny? - That's for puppies.
Clayton, don't you know anything about little girls?
Little girls?
- Are they all little girls? - Yes.
They told me while we were discussing the latest in fashion.
Oh, be careful. Don't drop him. Her.
I won't.
See, this is the first thing you learn in Home Economics, Clayton.
After they eat, they've got an awful lot of air bubbles in them.
Sorta have to pat their back and get them out.
See how it works?
- Could I try one? - Sure.
- Here, Sandy, hold this. - Okay.
Now, that's it. Now pat her back real easy, very easy.
Yeah. I'm doing it easy.
Something's wrong with this one. It ain't working.
- They all work, Clayton. - Yeah, but I got scared. I didn't know.
Say, you're going to have to get married after all, Tiger.
Is getting married all you got on your mind?
Sure, because they aren't going to let you keep them.
And if you want a family,
you're still gonna have to invest in a $2 licence.
I'm still a contender.
And who says I can't keep 'em? I found 'em.
The court's going to find a home for them.
They have a home right here with me.
They'll put them with married couples, like the Van Cleeves.
They've been wanting a baby for a long time.
Three married couples could adopt one each.
They're not breaking up the set. They're staying here with me.
- You're not married, Clayton. - I know that.
They're not going to let a bachelor raise three little girls.
Your father was a bachelor. He raised two of them.
Really, Clayton. Papa wasn't a bachelor.
- Sometime I wish I am. - Aw, shut it... Hi, Papa Naples.
- Come in. Come in. - I am in.
I told you to keep away from him. Now, go home.
Oh, Papa.
Why don't you listen to your father, Sandy?
That's the first smart thing I ever hear you say. Bravo.
Well, being a father now, I understand the problems fathers have.
What do you mean? You a father?
Well, not exactly. It's just that... Well, you see...
Where they come from?
Someone left them on Clayton's doorstep last night.
- Aren't they cute? - You be quiet.
Where they come from?
Oh, well, Papa, like Sandy said, someone left them on my doorstep,
and that's...
Such sweet bambinos.
Nice babies. Can I hold one?
Yeah. Take your pick.
Come here, come here. Come, nice babies.
Hey, Papa, look. That baby looks just like you.
- Yeah? - No, it doesn't!
- Look like me, huh? - No.
That's right, bambino does look just like me.
No, the bambino don't look like you at all, Papa.
Sure she does.
Bambino just look like Papa. Just look like...
Oh, Papa, wash your mind out with soap.
I was in Hollywood having my teeth capped.
No, no, no. Oh, no, Papa, no.
Not a very original quote, but I still think he has character.
Oh, Clayton's cute. Look how proud he looks holding them.
Cute? You're not starting to go for this local, are you?
Can you think of anyone who'd make a better father?
Look at that honest face.
- Ready for the next shot, Carla. - Be right there.
Don't bother me today.
Blondine tint contains a non-habit forming detergent bleach
with activated radiation that...
Dormi, dormi, dormi
Good night and sleep well, my love
Dormi, dormi, dormi
Angels are watching above
Till the dawn on tiptoe
Steals over your window sill
May every bright star attend thee
And befriend thee with its light
This little song may I send thee
Dormi, dormi, my love, good night
Every little bambino yearn
For the little song that he learns
Long before he learns that the world's a balloon
To each little note that I sing I have tied a dream with a string
There are dream running all through the tune
Dormi, dormi, my love
Good night
How come you know that song?
Oh, don't you remember, Papa?
I used to hear you sing it all the time to Sandy when she was a baby.
Oh, I remember.
- Babies are nice, eh, Clayton? - Yeah.
Well, they're more than that to me, Papa Naples.
I've never been needed before and now I have three people that need me.
- They're small, but they need me. - To be needed is a good thing,
but no so good when they don't need you.
Oh, Papa, you mean Carla. But Carla needs you, Papa.
It hurts.
I always blame you because Carla go away,
but it's not your fault.
She leave home because...
Because I am bad papa.
Oh, no, don't say that. You weren't a bad father, Papa Naples.
Yes, yes, yes. I was too strict.
I want to keep my Carla with me so I not be lonely.
But now, I am no lonely no more.
Why, of course not, Papa Naples. You still have Sandy.
Nah, nah, nah.
I am no lonely no more
because maybe I feel I am gonna be a grandpapa.
Maybe I am grandpapa already, eh?
Well, what do you... No, well...
Oh, no, now wait a minute, Papa Naples.
No, now, Sandy and I are friends, like pals and...
It's like two fellas. There's no things there.
I mean, Sandy is my friend, platonic pal. You saw the caps.
I no mean Sandy. Take a look.
- You take this picture, Papa? - Yes, I take.
Well, why did you take only one? There's three here.
When I take that picture, there was not three, there is only one.
Name is Carla.
This a picture of Carla as a baby, huh?
The same. Exact duplicate like your babies, eh?
Well, it's like a coincidence, Papa.
- All babies look alike when they're... - You are good boy.
Carla, she get in trouble, so you take care of her.
I don't know what you mean, Papa.
She can trust you, because you good boy.
Good night, my sweet grandchildren. God keep you forever.
- Clayton. - Yes, Papa Naples.
- I sorry I call you meathead. - Oh, that's okay.
Anytime you need an old babysitter, you call me.
I work for nothing.
Goodbye, Mr Vulmenaylo.
Sweet little girl. Wasn't it? Oh, we're so nice and clean.
Oh, how cute. On a little platter.
Just like a little pheasant. Nice and tender and warm.
Sweetheart?
Baby? How do you lose a child in it?
Honey. Where's the child? Baby? Where is it?
I lost a baby. I lost a whole child. What happened to the child? Baby?
Come on, little sweets. Look here. Look at the nice picture here. Nice.
Oh, what pretty babies. Here. Ready? Smiling?
Here, look here. Here it is. Here it is.
There you are, darling. Yeah, was that tickling?
Yes, was it ticklish? Hello, sweetheart.
Well, Clayton, I've got to hand it to you.
You've just taken wonderful care of those babies.
It's... Clayton.
Now you're just gonna have to take it easy, Clayton.
Doc says you're suffering from exhaustion.
Personally, I think the responsibility of this job
is just more than you can handle.
Women are built to take such punishment, but not men.
Why don't you get smart, boy, just give 'em up?
The doctor said quiet.
Clayton says that he thinks the mother is going to come back for them.
That's why he wants to keep them.
I don't think that excuse is going to hold up, Clayton.
Nobody's ever heard of this mystery Stella Dallas.
Now the Van Cleeves put in for babies long ago.
I think the judge is just going to make them wards of the court
until the adoption proceedings.
All right. Relax, Clayton, relax.
I'll talk to the judge.
After all, as chairman of the city council,
my main function is to obstruct the due process of law.
Clayton says he'll appreciate anything you can do, Mr Wright.
Yeah, well, I'll try.
Just take care of yourself, mother.
You heard him.
He said, why don't you get smart and give them up?
I say, why don't you get smart and marry some delightful girl?
So when you're married to this delightful girl,
we can adopt the babies. Simple, huh, Tiger?
You mean you don't dig my type?
I think you do. Yes, you do. You're lying to me, Tiger.
I'm getting to you, Tiger. Your thermometer's rising.
Let me see that. Almost 103.
Say, listen, when I get you up to 120, I'm gonna let you marry me.
If he can care for little butterflies
Why can't he care for me?
If he can stare for hours at April skies
Why can't he stare at me?
If he can talk to daisies in the dell
And spell "I love you" to a tree
If he can care for all these little things
Why can't he care for me?
If he can talk to daisies in the dell
And spell I love you to a tree
If he can care for all these little things
Why can't he care for me?
Butterflies, April skies
If he can care for all these little things
Why can't he care for me?
Why can't he care
for me?
Sandy? Sandra?
Yes, Papa?
- You mail a letter for me? - Sure, Papa.
- Papa, you okay? - I am okay. Here, mail.
- Papa, you've written to Carla. - Go mail.
What's a matter? Can Papa no write to his own flesh and blood?
You think I can no spell a words? I am an educated man.
Papa, I'm very glad you wrote to Carla. I'm very glad.
It's been just awful with our family all broken up like it is.
Pop.
- Papa, I love you very much. - Bambina mia, I love you, too.
Are there enough stamps on that letter?
If there aren't, I'll put some more on for you, Papa.
- Your caps slip. Push back. - Okay.
Papa, how did you know that Carla was in Egypt?
I read in Louella Parsnip's column.
From her headdress to her sandals
She's the one who sets the style
No one else can hold a candle
to the White Virgin of the Nile
To the White Virgin of the Nile
Just start tinkling on your cymbal
You'll see something worth your while
No, sir, no one's quite as nimble As the White Virgin of the Nile
She's got boyfriends by the passel And they're lined up single file
Waiting for the chance to hassle With the White Virgin of the Nile
They say the desert sands were cold
They say the desert moon was ice
Then she came breathing fire and flame
And changed the Arctic into paradise
Neither Cleo or Bathsheba
Had her tactics to beguile
You can bet your fez There would be no Suez
Without the White Virgin of the Nile
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
If you ever cross the desert
And see rocks piled pile on pile
Well, every pyramid was put there for the kid
For the great White Virgin of the Nile
Did you get the mail?
Yes. It's a little chewed up. I think that crocodile brought it.
Anything in The Bugle about Clay and my family?
Haven't looked at it yet, but here's a letter from Midvale.
- Why, it's from Papa. - You want me to go?
No, don't. It's been years.
"My darling Carla. I have not write to you for long time.
"Maybe you don't know, but Clayton, he found three bambinos
"on his front stoops."
He's wise.
He can't be. Clay would never tell.
"Clayton, he take very good care of the beautiful bambinos
"that look like you exactly.
"Even have a beauty spot same place where you have."
You're right. He knows.
"Clayton is much better papa to bambinos than real papa.
"Much better papa than your papa.
"Clayton still work for Mr Wright,
"but even when he work, he never let bambinos out of his sight."
"Clayton works and is a great babysitter at the same time.
"To take care of bambinos cost lots of money.
"Clayton would not take money from me or from no one.
"He works lots of extra jobs to make extra milk money."
"And Clayton works every other night for Ah Fong,
"that's the foreigner who started a laundry in the town."
Nice and quiet now. Be nice, please.
That's it. Nice and quiet.
Oh, now you're crying? Want me to tell your father on you?
You want I should sing a song for you again?
You won't cry if I sing? All right.
"Clayton also works on Sundays."
"Clayton even went on the TV amateur hour
"to try and make more money to buy milk for the babies."
One, two.
I'll rock my baby, I'll rock I know you're there
I'll rock my baby I'll rock you up all night
Oh, rock, baby, oh, rock
Oh, rock, rock, baby, rock Rock, rock, baby, rock. Rock, rock, rock
Rock
You're gonna rock your baby Rock, rock
Rock your baby Rock, rock
Rock your baby, rock, rock
"But all the work Clayton does to prove he's a good papa is not enough.
"The judge made him come to the courthouse.
"So Clayton went there and the judge admits Clayton is a good papa,
"but he is not a real mama.
"Judge say, 'Clayton, the court realise
"'that you have been an excellent foster father,
"'but these children need more than that.
"'They need a mother as well,
"'a woman like Mrs Van Cleeve.
"'The Children's Society has approved her and her husband
"'because they can give these children the normal home that they deserve.'
"But Clayton stands up and he says, 'Your Honour, sir.
"'Lf you want me to be a mother, I'll be a mother. A real mother.'
"But the judge, he say,
"'Clayton, I admire your unselfish devotion to these infants.
"'By no stretch of the imagination
"'can this court look upon you as a mother.'
"But Clayton, he says, 'Well, Your Honour,
"'I'll become a mother, a real mother, if you only give me the chance.'
"So Clayton go away to prove he can be a mother.
"I take care of bambinos and Sandra help until he get back.
"In letter here you find late picture of babies and your papa.
"Much love from your loving papa who love you.
"Signed, your loving papa."
I wish I knew where Clayton went.
As we all know, a healthy, happy baby does not just happen.
A healthy, happy baby happens when there's a healthy, happy mother
to take care of that baby.
And that's what we at the University Child Care Clinic
are dedicated to. Healthy, happy and efficient mothers.
I'm so proud to see our classes filled with women
who are interested in the future welfare of their children.
All of you women, mothers and expectant mothers,
are to be commended.
I am also happy to see in our midst
a member of the opposite sex
who had the courage and fortitude
to want to be both a father and a mother.
If there were more fathers like you, Mr Poole,
a woman's work would get done.
Thank you, Mrs Rogers.
And now, in just about a moment,
we will be on our merry way to proper child care.
I hear she has the greatest theory on feeding the baby.
Oh, yes. And that's so important.
Do you believe in bottle feeding or do you believe that women...
Oh, the bottle, naturally.
I think that they're so much easier to rinse out.
"The Regents of University Child Care Clinic,
"on recommendation of the President and Faculty
"of the College of Child Care, award to Clayton Poole
"this diploma for the successful completion of the course in Child Care.
"Given in Chicago, this 14th day of June, 1958."
- Continue, Clayton. - Well, that's about all, Your Honour.
As you see, I passed all the requirements
of the Child Care course.
And, well, this diploma is only awarded to the very best of mothers.
I was first in my class for overall child care,
and I placed second for formula-mixing.
But I set a new record for diaper-folding,
and I did everything any other woman can do.
- Really, Your Honour. - Please, Mrs Van Cleeve.
Yes, Your Honour.
The court will recess until after lunch to review the case.
- You hear back from Carla yet? - Not yet, Papa.
I don't know why, we sent the wire yesterday.
How's Clayton doing?
The judge have his lunch.
After he come back, we know.
If Clayton no win the case, we do what we plan.
- Oh, Papa, we can't do that to Clayton. - You love the bambinos, don't you?
- Yes. Very much. - And you love Clayton, too.
Papa, I'm in loopsville over him, but he doesn't dig me.
Ah, dig, dig, dig. If he no dig, so we dig.
- We'll be digging Clayton's grave. - Yeah, yeah.
- I hope we hear from Carla. - Yes. Go.
- Harold. - Yes?
Send this cable right away.
Jim Bacon and Bob Thomas, Associated Press?
Honey, you've had too much sun. You can't send this.
That cable will stop anyone from legally adopting my children.
Yes, and it'll also stop your career.
Being a mother is all the career I want or ever really wanted.
I was a fool to leave my children and put Clayton in this spot
just because I didn't have the courage to face my responsibilities.
Send the cable.
I can't say I don't admire you.
You've come a long way since Miss Butterfat of '55.
Quiet in the court. Court is in session.
After careful review of the circumstances
involved in this case,
the Court finds that the infants left on the threshold
of the home of Clayton Poole
shall be awarded to the proper person for adoption.
And the person who has all the qualifications
for adopting these children
is Mrs Van Cleeve.
- Sandra, you are ready? - Almost ready, Papa.
Hurry. Clayton, he lose the case.
- Your Honour... - Clayton, the case is closed.
But, Your Honour, please.
If I could just have a couple more days,
I'm certain that the real mother will come back to get 'em.
The children have been awarded to the proper parent, Clayton.
I am not so sure, Judge.
Oh, Clayton, darling.
Darling, thank you, thank you for trying to protect my good name,
but Papa found out about everything.
Everything? There wasn't anything to find out about.
Clayton, you and I, that night, remember?
- The moon was yellow. - I'm yellow. I wouldn't do...
And then I went to Hollywood,
and Carla's doctor took care of me.
Doctor? It was no... There was no...
It was a dentist. There was no doctor.
Listen, Mr Naples, Your Honour, here. Here's the caps to prove it.
You tell me.
Are those bambinos my grandchildren?
Hold on there, Gigi. What's going on here?
I'm the judge in this court.
That's right. You are the judge.
So if you be a good boy, you can perform the marriage.
Marriage? Me, marriage? Wait a minute.
- This is all... Wait, a marriage... - Oh, Clayton, we'll be so happy.
Quiet!
- Clayton Poole? - Yes, Your Honour?
Clayton Poole, tell this court the truth.
Are those children the grandchildren of Gigi Naples?
- Well, Your Honour, you see... - No, I don't see!
And I will hold you in contempt
unless you answer that question honestly, Mr Poole!
Well, Your Honour, I was a Camp Fire Girl and I never lie.
Yes, those babies are the grandchildren of Papa Naples.
Why did you do this, Sandy?
Papa made me do it to keep anyone else
from getting Carla's babies.
Carla's... How did you know?
Stop them! Stop them!
- They can't get married. - They are married already.
Right, Judge?
- That they are. - But they can't be.
I just heard it on the newscast.
The newscaster said Clayton married your daughter Carla,
and the babies are Carla's.
Me married to Carla?
If this is true, Clayton, you'll be jailed for bigamy.
Bigamy? I don't even feel married for the first time.
The Associated Press claimed that a cable
received from famed screen star Carla Naples, in Egypt,
reveals her secret marriage to her childhood sweetheart,
Clayton Poole of Midvale, Indiana.
The star also stated she is the mother of three daughters
now in their father's care.
Miss Naples recently finished starring in... The White Virgin of the Nile?
Where is that bigamist?
There he goes. After him, boys.
Come back here.
You're going to jail.
Sorry, ladies.
Well, it's all out in the open now.
The way I see it, you're the bullfighter's widow,
but you're also married to Clayton Poole,
except that Poole is married to your sister, as well as to you.
So that should make me Clayton's first uncle
on his second wife's side by 10%.
I don't care what they say about me. I deserve it.
But where can that poor boy be hiding?
Why, he's probably keeping those kids in deep freeze
until he can return them to you personally.
What character.
All right, easy, boys. Easy. Easy, boys.
Miss Naples will give you a statement.
Where's Clayton Poole? Is that who she's calling?
No. She's calling her father in Midvale.
- Hello. - Papa?
Carla? It's you, my Carla?
I'm at the airport.
Oh, Papa, I've made such a mess of things.
No. You no make a mess.
You make the big family for me to be a grandpapa.
You see the babies? So beautiful. Look just like me.
I haven't seen the babies, Papa. Where are they?
Clayton is there at the airport with babies.
Well, I haven't seen him, Papa.
You no recognise Clayton,
because Clayton no look like Clayton.
Because Clayton, he have to hide from police.
He's disguised?
Yes, Papa. I see her... Him.
Here she comes, here she comes, boys.
Are you retiring from the screen, Carla?
- I want a statement, Miss Naples. - Wait just a minute.
All right, boys. I'll give you a statement. Meet my future husband.
- What? - Talk to him.
- When did this happen? - Where's Clay Poole?
What happened to him?
- When did you horn in? - You and Miss Naples?
Well, you know, we agents, we are fascinating men.
We don't have to work for a living. We have time for the social graces.
You sure have forgotten Carla, haven't you, Tiger?
But I won't forget you, and I won't forget the babies.
- I'll miss them, too. - You like kids?
Oh, I sure do. What's the matter?
- I just remembered something. - What?
- You and me, we're married. - Yeah, that's right.
Well, that makes you my wife.
- Yeah, and you're my husband. - That's right.
Well, what are we waiting for?
Calling Dr Glucksman. Emergency.
- Clayton Poole? - Yeah, that's me. Yeah.
I'm him. Yeah. Can I see my wife? How is she?
- You can see her for just a moment. - Oh, yeah. Thanks a lot.
I'm gonna see her now.
Calling Dr Middleton. Come quick.
Sandy?
I love you.
Let's don't disturb her any further. Come see your family.
Five! Five! I have five! Five!
I have five! Five! Five, I have! Five!
Five! Five! We have five!
Carla went to Mexico, she only had three.
We have five!
I'm better than the bullfighter. Olé! Olé!